I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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