The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
