im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
