dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
