dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
