proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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