i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
