noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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