Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
do nipples grow back?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
