Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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