Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have feelings that need drinking.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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