last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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