First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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