So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
