He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
