guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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