I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
