My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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