Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
God, I missed his penis.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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