Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
