Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
