I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
