No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
