he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
