According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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