I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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