4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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