He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
