Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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