I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
