I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
there was a trapeze. enough said
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
