Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
