Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
