I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
