I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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