Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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