So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
