have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
