We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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