it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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