my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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