just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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