just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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