She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
