maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
