Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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