hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
