I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sobbing to NWA
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize