The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
