Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
