Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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