So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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