We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
