The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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