the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
