Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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