Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
