I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
